You Still Suck, Boston

So, the Patriots defeated the Colts, 24-20, in Sunday's ridiculously overhyped regular season game. Well, you know, CBS needs some ratings to make up for actually airing a show as fucking stupid as The Big Bang Theory. Regardless, Boston sports fans are walking around like they shit rainbows, and since I really don't have any sports related arguments to make (although I would like to point out that the Pats are cheaters, BC lost and the Bruins suck), I've decided to make the following point: Almost everything that has come out of Massachusetts since, oh, the Boston Tea Party, has sucked.

• John F. Kennedy was soft and let a bullet or two take his ass out.
• Bobby Kennedy was soft and let a bullet or two take his ass out.
• Ted Kennedy was drunk and took out a perfectly good car (and, incidentally, a girl).
• Dane Cook sucks.
• Aerosmith doesn't even write their own songs.
• The band Boston made music so bad their own lead singer offed himself. Dude killed himself with charcoal. What a pussy way to go.
• Your fair state produced Michael Dukakis. You also produced John Kerry, a man so incompetent he couldn't beat George W. Bush in an election.

There are many other instances of Massachusettsians sucking, but this is a blog, not a motherfucking encyclopedia.

Nobody Circles the Wagons Like the Buffalo Bills

Enjoy the bye week, Tom Brady. You're gonna frickin' need it.

Expensive Food and Crappy Dancing

Fun Fact: This photo contains the highest concentration of white people since a 1946 shot taken in the home team clubhouse at Ebbets Field.

Rest in Peace, Bobby Goulet

So, for those of you who didn't know, Robert Goulet died yesterday at the age of 73. Goulet was a Grammy and Tony winning star who appeared on Broadway, acted in various films and television programs, and recorded approximately two dozen albums. Of course, to members of my generation, he will best be remembered for one of three things:

1. His appearance on the Simpsons in that episode where Bart had a casino in his treehouse.
2. Will Ferrell's impression of him on Saturday Night Live (Note that Ferrell has trivialized the memory of Goulet, just like he trivialized "Don't Fear the Reaper." Fuck Will Ferrell.).
3. Those stupid Emerald Nuts commercials.

So, Bobby, you spent close to 50 years entertaining America and you're going to be remembered for a nuts commercial you probably did just for the money. Well, try to rest in peace anyway.

Catching Predators Supports Dennis Kucinich

Lest you think this is simply a sports blog, Catching Predators is proud to throw our support (or, because I'm currently the only blogger on this site, my support) behind Dennis Kucinich for President of the United States in 2008. Why? Well let us count the reasons:

1. He's an actual Cleveland Indians fan. In fact, he wore an Indians cap while campaigning in New Hampshire. In doing so, he displayed true loyalty, unlike that bastard Rudy Giuliani, who flipped like Ozzie Smith on Opening Day the second he saw a few Sawks fans from whom to beg votes.
2. He essentially said Tuesday that President Bush might be insane. We haven't seen this type of political badassery since Dick Cheney told Patrick Leahy to go fuck himself.
3. Have you seen this dude's wife? Damn. Now, I know she's a little blurry in the above picture, but that's mainly so you can't deny that I'm right. Sure, she looks a little like Brian Scalabrine in a wig and high heels next to the diminutive Kucinich, but she's much better looking that any other candidate's wife. Plus, she's British. And she makes up for the bad teeth with a tongue ring.
4. Finally, he's the only candidate to support both an immediate withdrawal from Iraq and gay marriage...not that these issues are really important in comparison to the hotness of his wife and his allegiance to the Tribe.

Finally, we at Catching Predators acknowledge that Kucinich's honesty, trustworthiness, and desire to engage in real dialogue with the American people make him completely unelectable.

Gammons: Racist and Stupid

Peter Gammons is a fucking idiot. I, like most baseball fans, assumed that brain aneurysm was simply caused by all the moronic thoughts trying to escape from his head at once. Well, apparently they didn't all make it out. On The Herd this morning with the equally ridiculous Colin Cowherd, Gammons blasted the media for not focusing enough on the Red Sox victory. While he can blame the media, Alex Rodriguez and his agent Scott Boras all he wants, the fact of the matter is the media focuses on the shit that the audience wants to see. That's how they make money. So if there's not enough coverage of the Red Sox it's because nobody gives a shit about the stupid Red Sox. Just like nobody outside of Boston gives a shit about the fucking Patriots. Just like nobody outside of Boston gives a shit about the "Big Three" of the Celtics. Just like nobody outside of Boston gives a shit about Boston College besides Doug Flutie and his son, Tommy Westphall. Just like nobody in Boston gives a shit about the Bruins. But, I digress. Anyways, in the segment, Gammons claimed that Texas Rangers owner Tom Hicks was stupid. Yes, the man is only worth $1.3 billion, I'm sure he just accidentally struck oil one day. Gammons then implied that Angels' owner Arte Moreno might essentially be tricked into signing A-Rod. Why? Is Moreno stupid? Of course not. He's a very successful businessman. But Gammons assumes he's stupid. Is this because Moreno's a Latino and Gammons is an elitist racist douchebag? I'd say yes. By the way, who gives a shit what Peter Gammons has to say? Peter Gammons heading ESPN's baseball coverage is akin to a '96 Reagan Presidency.

The Boston Massacre...Deserved?

I'm so happy the Boston Red Sox are the 2007 World Series champions. Hopefully, now with two championships in four years, their fans will finally shut the fuck up about it. There's a couple of things that really bother me about "Red Sox Nation," which combined with "Patriot Nation" and "Celtic Nation" form what I call the "Axis of Assholes" (you might be asking about "Bruin Nation," but due to the frontrunning nature of Boston sports fans, this nation has the approximate population of the Vatican).

The first thing that really gets me about these fuckers is this sentiment that these titles are somehow "deserved." What the fuck makes you assholes any more deserving than any other fans? Titles are awarded based on the performance of the teams on the field; it has absolutely nothing to do with the fans deserving anything. What most of you deserve is a swift kick in the junk and an eternity locked in a Boston Garden men's room with Bucky Dent and Len Bias' dealer. If championships were handed out based on who deserved them, don't you think Cleveland would have a few more by now? Don't you think Buffalo would have one by now? Exactly. Of course, you don't hear as much about the suffering of fans in Buffalo and Cleveland because these are manly cities where fans suck it up and deal with it, rather than writing books and making movies about how long suffering they are, which, by the way, Boston fans are not. In the time period from 1918 to 2004, while the Red Sox were firmly planting their noses in New York's ass, The Celtics grabbed 16 titles, the Bruins added five more, and the Patriots cheated their way to two rings. So, to recap, one Boston team didn't win for a while, and these assholes act like they're the Jewish people of the sports world.

While I'm on this topic, let me just point out that there was never a "Curse of the Bambino." Babe Ruth was far too busy fucking women and downing pints to have any time to curse some worthless team for whom he used to play. A curse is nothing more than a rationalization for rooting for a bunch of losers. I'm going to start inventing curses myself, just to feel better. From now on, I'm not going to admit to the fact that I have no skills with women, I'm just going to say that I'm cursed. Additionally, these Red Sox fans act like they're the kings of baseball because they've won two titles in four years. At last count, you're still down 26-7 to the Yanks. I'm not even a fan of the Yankees, but it's still important to point out dominance. I heard some asshole on the radio last night say, "This is our century." Yeah, there's only another 90 plus years left in it; that's not premature at all.

At the end of last night's game, Peter Gammons was cumming in his pants (and maybe shitting too, who knows) about the great young talent in the Red Sox organization, rambling his ass off about the homegrown kids who helped the Sox win it all. Yes, who could forget those great Pawtucket teams with David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez? I'll never forget those great summer days in Portland watching Mike Lowell and Josh Beckett. Let's see: Ortiz, Ramirez, Lowell, Beckett, Schilling, Okajima, Matsuzaka, Drew, Lugo, Crisp...yep, they all certainly weren't paid mercenaries. I'm so sick of this bullshit about the great young Red Sox. Matsuzaka isn't quite good enough to negate the fact he showed up in Boston wearing a rubber and fur jacket he seems to have borrowed from the Michelin Man. Okajima spent games 3 and 4 blowing up like, well, you know where I'm going with that one. Clay Buchholz no-hit the Orioles, but the Orioles notably suck. Dustin Pedroia looks like he shaved his pubes and glued them to his face in a kind of makeshift goatee. I'm sure all of Boston is happy about the arrival of Jacoby Ellsbury; these folks have been waiting to pull out their racially insensitive Injun costumes since the Boston Tea Party.

Finally, I heard a lot of shit last night about the "Red Sox Nation" of fans traveling across the country to see their team play. This could be because the Sox have some of the most loyal fans in baseball. This could be because these fans have spread themselves all over the country. Or, it could be because their fans are rich, white assholes who can afford to take days off of work and spend thousands of dollars to see a stupid fucking baseball game. Whenever I watch a game at Fenway Park, I play a game called "Try to Spot a Black Guy." With the exception of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, I never have. It's not safe to be a black man in Boston. Shit, the Red Sox were the last team in Major League Baseball to integrate their roster, which would make them the most racist franchise in the bigs. And shit, look what happened to Crispus Attucks. Although, as I referenced in the title to this post, if assholes in Boston were acting the same way in 1770 that they do today, who could blame the British soldiers for getting a little pissed.