The Boston Massacre...Deserved?

I'm so happy the Boston Red Sox are the 2007 World Series champions. Hopefully, now with two championships in four years, their fans will finally shut the fuck up about it. There's a couple of things that really bother me about "Red Sox Nation," which combined with "Patriot Nation" and "Celtic Nation" form what I call the "Axis of Assholes" (you might be asking about "Bruin Nation," but due to the frontrunning nature of Boston sports fans, this nation has the approximate population of the Vatican).

The first thing that really gets me about these fuckers is this sentiment that these titles are somehow "deserved." What the fuck makes you assholes any more deserving than any other fans? Titles are awarded based on the performance of the teams on the field; it has absolutely nothing to do with the fans deserving anything. What most of you deserve is a swift kick in the junk and an eternity locked in a Boston Garden men's room with Bucky Dent and Len Bias' dealer. If championships were handed out based on who deserved them, don't you think Cleveland would have a few more by now? Don't you think Buffalo would have one by now? Exactly. Of course, you don't hear as much about the suffering of fans in Buffalo and Cleveland because these are manly cities where fans suck it up and deal with it, rather than writing books and making movies about how long suffering they are, which, by the way, Boston fans are not. In the time period from 1918 to 2004, while the Red Sox were firmly planting their noses in New York's ass, The Celtics grabbed 16 titles, the Bruins added five more, and the Patriots cheated their way to two rings. So, to recap, one Boston team didn't win for a while, and these assholes act like they're the Jewish people of the sports world.

While I'm on this topic, let me just point out that there was never a "Curse of the Bambino." Babe Ruth was far too busy fucking women and downing pints to have any time to curse some worthless team for whom he used to play. A curse is nothing more than a rationalization for rooting for a bunch of losers. I'm going to start inventing curses myself, just to feel better. From now on, I'm not going to admit to the fact that I have no skills with women, I'm just going to say that I'm cursed. Additionally, these Red Sox fans act like they're the kings of baseball because they've won two titles in four years. At last count, you're still down 26-7 to the Yanks. I'm not even a fan of the Yankees, but it's still important to point out dominance. I heard some asshole on the radio last night say, "This is our century." Yeah, there's only another 90 plus years left in it; that's not premature at all.

At the end of last night's game, Peter Gammons was cumming in his pants (and maybe shitting too, who knows) about the great young talent in the Red Sox organization, rambling his ass off about the homegrown kids who helped the Sox win it all. Yes, who could forget those great Pawtucket teams with David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez? I'll never forget those great summer days in Portland watching Mike Lowell and Josh Beckett. Let's see: Ortiz, Ramirez, Lowell, Beckett, Schilling, Okajima, Matsuzaka, Drew, Lugo, Crisp...yep, they all certainly weren't paid mercenaries. I'm so sick of this bullshit about the great young Red Sox. Matsuzaka isn't quite good enough to negate the fact he showed up in Boston wearing a rubber and fur jacket he seems to have borrowed from the Michelin Man. Okajima spent games 3 and 4 blowing up like, well, you know where I'm going with that one. Clay Buchholz no-hit the Orioles, but the Orioles notably suck. Dustin Pedroia looks like he shaved his pubes and glued them to his face in a kind of makeshift goatee. I'm sure all of Boston is happy about the arrival of Jacoby Ellsbury; these folks have been waiting to pull out their racially insensitive Injun costumes since the Boston Tea Party.

Finally, I heard a lot of shit last night about the "Red Sox Nation" of fans traveling across the country to see their team play. This could be because the Sox have some of the most loyal fans in baseball. This could be because these fans have spread themselves all over the country. Or, it could be because their fans are rich, white assholes who can afford to take days off of work and spend thousands of dollars to see a stupid fucking baseball game. Whenever I watch a game at Fenway Park, I play a game called "Try to Spot a Black Guy." With the exception of Massachusetts Governor Deval Patrick, I never have. It's not safe to be a black man in Boston. Shit, the Red Sox were the last team in Major League Baseball to integrate their roster, which would make them the most racist franchise in the bigs. And shit, look what happened to Crispus Attucks. Although, as I referenced in the title to this post, if assholes in Boston were acting the same way in 1770 that they do today, who could blame the British soldiers for getting a little pissed.